Me.. Me! Me! Me! Me??

I went for a Foot Reflexology today. Some foot scrub thing. 1st time in my life. But it was good.. Needed something to relax myself. N my legs feel so nice now! haha..

Well.. Today's post title says it all on what i'm gonna write about. ME! No anger towards anyone in this post or what so ever just me dealing with me. I'm not as hyper as u think I am today. So many things happening so lil time. I dunno.. I'm just getting so confuse with myself. A few things happened lately that made me think and wonder how much have I changed in the past years and is it for the better or did i just get worst? Well.. I guess i did make a few achievements. Not great but something that would make me someone better but at the same time.. I'm also becoming someone I never plan to be. N the worst part is i'm unconscious of it until I really think or I'm being told. Sometimes, I feel like i'm tryin so hard to be someone that I'll screw up everything. I screw up so badly that it just hurts everyone around me and leaving me thinkin 'I'm doin ok' for 5 secs and then when I gain conscious from this whole wave of feeling great, I then realise that I made things worst & what I did was just wrong that it becomes so hurtful. Especially when I pour out words without thinkin. Then after, I would realise that I cant take it back and that I was being so silly & I've made a fool out of myself.

So many things happened in the past that made me do something bad or if i manage to gather my positive energy, I would be doin something good. Something good would be handlin situations properly etc etc. Something bad would be not handling situations well & doing stupid stuff (but i'm glad i pulled myself out of it). No it wasn't drugs but it was pretty bad. Like how I was so down at one point & i lost my appetite frequently & eventually I rarely ate & it caused me to puke everytime I had something in me. Aneroxia thats what you call it. (Not proud of it) It first started 3 years ago & eventhough I managed to pull myself together to get out of it (that i'm proud of),but I still do get it sometimes. It is only because I made it into a mind over matter thing. N it was not long ago that I was strict with myself and made sure that anything that goes in, will not come out. N because of that, i've been feeling even more tired lately & of course expanded a lil ere & there. Same thing goes for hurting myself last time (long ago). All these are things that are not impossible to happen but its stupid. Its a result of doing something without thinking about its consequences. The worst part is, the consequences are worst than what I did & I dun have a choice but to face it. Like because of an eating disorder, health was infected pretty badly & it still is & will always be. Another part of me, deep down, would then come out and say, 'Why did I do this to myself?' or in other situations, it would be, 'Why did I do this to that person?'.

Deep down,there were no intentions at all of me ever doing anything like that to anyone. But of late, I just feel like its so hard to control & to think rationally. I jump into conclusions too quickly & I get so confuse with myself cuz 1 second i'm an angry person and the other, I'm this girl that is just so calm. I'm really wondering.. Where is this Edeline that everybody knew? I'm not perfect, I know, N i can never be. But at the same time, I'm not this kind of girl that just throw tantrums at people & wants to win everything. This is because I know that deep down, I'm still that Edeline but when it comes behaving in front of others, where is she at times? Edeline used to forgive a lot, learnt to be understanding, loves to give & take,attention was the last thing that matter to her & she was always open to others but where is she? I feel like i'm loosing this part of me & when I feel that way, I feel so lost because, without that part of me, I really have no idea who Edeline is.